Naylor Swift

Glenda Bautista

Naylor Swift is a double-jointed Aquarius that likes eating pastries in bed and long, sloppy, electric guitar solos by guys in awful pants. 

The daughter of a coal miner and a female CTO, Naylor – and her only brother, Juan – would be coerced into performing for relatives at a young age.  For two decades, the siblings would take to the microphone during holiday gatherings, birthday parties, shotgun weddings, and post-funeral mourning rituals with the sole reward of receiving their most critical uncle’s respect. 

Unfortunately, while eating a vegan sandwich during Thanksgiving one year, Juan suffered a disfiguring clavicle injury.  He was unable to sing in falsetto ever again, leaving Naylor to become her own vocal act in early 2002. 

Going forward, Naylor would continue to solo at each family gathering.  Battling the other 56 cousins in the Swift family singlehandedly, she would sing in a continual effort to restore her fallen brother’s former glory.  By singing all of Juan’s verses – as well as her own – her family’s honor would go unquestioned in the eyes of the tribe.  She, to this day, retains the title “Most Honorable Daughter,” despite a turn in juvenile hall for a brief stint in arson.

While that period in her career was certainly indicative of serving up the hot heat, Naylor turned to organized religion and set out to convert the unwashed masses. Having found that the masses were in fact already washed, she then turned to technology as an excuse to hang out with manchildren and get free things from internet companies.  It seems to have worked, as the name Naylor Swift is now synonymous with young men, and cheap beer.

Classically-trained by a Japanese-American grandmaster in the art of silently slaying suckers, Naylor rightfully earned her FourSquare karaoke badge in 2005 (long before there was one) – with high marks in Single Malt Whiskey and Heartache.

Why you should vote for me:

“I’ve toiled in obscurity for far too long,” Swift confesses, during a brief moment of self-reflection. She worries that even after many years of kicking out the jams, the competition to make it to Cogaoke might be steep. “Have you seen the other contestants’ Fakebooks, or how many wallowers they have on their Bitter accounts? So intimidatingly ridiculous,” she says. “It’s, like, Olsen twin ridiculous. How am I supposed to compete with that? Some of ‘em have whole barnfuls of farm animals, and lots of garment workers in their mafias that are unpaid children! I just can’t get into the competition on perfect pitch alone — I need a zombie posse. Oh! And a crossbow… because crossbows are the weapons of choice for Awesome.”

Naylor Swift is a true Cogaoke competitor, and a contestant worthy of your vote. “A couple of years ago, some guy walked up to me while I was singing at the local dive, and told me that I sounded like that guy from Fall Out Boy. At the time, it sounded like a back-handed compliment, but later, I viewed it as a gift. When I realized this, I had this feeling — it’s like the feeling you get after watching things go up in flames, or explode. That was the day I decided that I would stop setting things on fire and instead, get out there in the world and make the streets flow with the blood of the non-believers.” She vows to “burn the motherhumper down. Well, not literally — but I’m gonna tear the roof off this [redacted].”

Since that fateful day, Swift has since performed in only the most discriminating of venues from coast-to-coast. From Midwestern bowling alleys, straight edge hardcore shows, Dunkin’ Donuts, drag queen theme restaurants, shrimp chip n’ Budweiser lofts in K-town, basement dungeons of restaurants in Chinatowns, and even weird hostess bars where everyone is dressed like an anime character with bad teeth — ominous AZN gangsters and creepy businessmen alike are electrified by each of her performances.

(Never touch or come near Swift unless you know her very well – she took down two dude-brahs, a venture capitalist, some orange guido, a gaggle of Williamsburg hipsters, three Seagate external hard drives, and an Oscar-award winning actor when one of them put a finger on her back to get a better look at her tattoo of Usher. It took a few whacks with an aluminum bat and a whole can of bear mace for anyone to walk away from that incident.)

After vying for a slot in Cogaoke, Swift’s plans will include the recording of a new album, pre-emptively titled, “Asocial Media.” 66.6% of the album’s proceeds will go to charities that work with at-risk teens and adolescents, so that they may develop actual lives beyond their cleverly-manufactured online personas. In support of this effort, she will be leading off a speaking tour of Six Flags amusement parks this summer, along with Flimsy Lohan, Slim Kardashian, and Gone Mayer.

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